The definition of Grief –
In the “Grief Recovery Method®”, an action program for moving beyond death, divorce and other losses, by John W. James and Russell Friedman, we define grief as follows:
- “Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind. While grief is normal and natural, and clearly the most powerful of all emotions, it is also the most neglected and misunderstood experience, often by both, the grievers and those around them.”
- The conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior or life.
- The feeling of reaching out for someone who has ALWAYS been there, only to discover, when you want/need them one more time, they are not there.
- The feeling of reaching out for someone who has NEVER been there when/how we needed them, only to discover, when you want them one more time, they are STILL not there.
- The result of undelivered communication: things we wish had ended different, better; or more; the loss of hopes, dreams and expectations.
As you can see by the above definitions – grief is a universal experience. And it is not limited to mourning the death of a loved one. ANY major change in life can cause an overwhelming response of conflicting feelings all at once – and that experience is what we call grief. What does that mean? Here are some examples:
- Losses: Death, divorce, health, career, faith etc.
- Major changes: Retirement, a major move, marriage, pregnancy, even a promotion, a job change, the new dream house… – yes, conflicting feelings accompany negative as well as positive change in life. And if not processed, the feelings we push down, ignore or skip over, can result in lingering effects from unresolved grief.
- Complex grief: growing up or living in an alcoholic or dysfunctional home, PTSD, prolonged grief (for example in an unhappy marriage, job or other lingering unhappy life situation), grief that has been minimized (pet loss, loss of health of a loved one, or even some of the positive events that you didn’t allow yourself to feel all the feelings that could have come up…)
The Grief Recovery Method provides a step-by-step guide with the specific actions needed to move beyond the sense of loss in any of these situations.
Do you have a new insight that moved, touched or inspired you? Was there anything in these definitions that was new to you, and brought a sense of relief – if so, what was it?
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Resources:
The Grief Recovery Method(R) by John W. James and Russel Friedman
I disagree with your description of grief that emphasizes a disruption or change is the basis of our response. While change does cause us recognize that what we used to know has come to an end, that does not rise to level of pain we experience when we lose something we loved or considered sacred that has been taken from us, not necessarily in death, but probably not by our own choice.
I do wish that grief support groups expanded their understanding of grief to include people who have not lost someone they loved through death.
HI Pattie,
Thanks for your note. I agree that the level of pain that grief can cause can vary greatly – each loss or change event can cause a very different kind or level of pain or grief response. And what often happens is, that when “the big one” happens, all past unresolved grief wakes up too, amplifying the pain one experiences…
Within the Grief Recovery Method we honor that grief is very personal, individual and unique – and we never presume or tell you that “We know how you feel”. We don’t… Neither does anyone else. At the most we might related to your pain from how we felt in a similar experience.
We do recognize over 40 different life events that can cause grief, and our groups and individual coaching programs are inclusive of all grieving situations. I’ve personally helped people through all kinds of different losses and grief experiences – acute or longtime unresolved grief. And each situation, each pain is different and unique.
Grief Recovery Method Groups (or the individual 1:1 coaching program) are very different from most “Bereavement Groups” or counseling: not only are we inclusive of ANY kind of grief and loss rather than offering specific grief scenario groups – the big difference is that our groups are actually closed programs that have a beginning and end, where we teach the specific action steps and tools that actually move you through and beyond the pain of grief. Feel free to take a closer look by downloading the free e-book, or to reach out with any questions. Much Love to You, Martina